The painful art of being a woman

“Pedicure”? My girlfriend asks. “Sure”! I say. I would definitely love one! However the fear creeps up on me that I haven’t shaved my legs in about a week. Quick think of an escape!

“Hey I almost forgot, I’m have to get to the dry-cleaners before it closes, I really need to pick up my things, “Maybe another time?” “Sure” She says adding on a “no problem”. Oh thank god!

'Actually, I'm an athletic trainer. I just do hair removal on the side.'

So here’s my dilemma, or should I say gripe?  You go to get a pedicure and you shave your legs first, then as your doing that your eyeing your old polish job. You seem to notice its a little rough….so, you remove the polish which then displays some slightly jagged looking toe nails, you quickly file the edges, there. Better. Well, lets just trim them a bit while we are at it, a quick little buff. Okay, that’s acceptable. So we basically just did it ourselves.

Manicure- oh same thing, remove any polish residue, file the edges, buff and trim, remove any unwanted dirt (which would be all of it I hope) and Voila! Ready for a mani! And again, we just did it ourselves.

Now waxing, well that’s a whole other story. Since we can’t shave or pluck prior we at least try to trim, because lets face it since we are going in to have it removed we don’t want our  esthetician thinking we just came over from the native lands. I mean come on, bush is one thing but “Au natural” is another! I mean for God sake they don’t even make underwear to cover that landscaping up! Up, down, sideways Jesus it’s every where!

painful art of beign a woman

Bikini line, armpits, upper lip, chin, eyebrows, Brazilian! “Yes Ma’am you heard  me right” my waxing guru says in her native accent “Lay on back, grab feet, pull to chin! Do now!” Well, now this is awkward! For heavens sake I’m in happy baby pose nude! What the ??? This is NOT right! Wait a minute, where is going with that hot wax? OHHH RIGHT THERE!! Holy mother of the underworld why we’re we even graced with hair? I mean we are not animals, we don’t need it to help us keep cool or keep warm. I will admit during the winter months I am quite guilty of the phrase “keeping warm for the winter” but let’s get real it’s not like it actually keeps us warm, besides we keep retail going with all those knee socks!  And OH MY LORD!!  Was that just my butt-crack she waxed! How much does she make? I know what I pay her, but the clientele she has is a large range, I know how difficult it is to get in. Obviously others think of hair the way I do and what ever she makes, it is clearly not enough. And I’m not being critical here, I’m simply asking. What if you were really hairy? Oh the pain!  What if you weren’t flexible? What if….what if you farted! Oh my God I would die! Oh don’t tell me you didn’t think of that when you visualized you toes to your nose either!

Oh my GOD my VAGINA! This woman is lethal!

Jeez at this point who cares if its waxed, with all her yanking it’s going to hang down to my knees. For crying out loud (literally here) I think I’ve just come to realize I’m okay being in Dane cooks ‘cash and prizes’ skit!

painful art of being a woman2

Some how we end up going in to be pampered yet we completely handle it ourselves, just exactly what did we pay for? Oh.. that’s right, we paid for the price of already looking like we have it all together!

Carpe’ diam sisters! Seize the day~ or should I say hair!

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